June 4, 2018
5 Ways To Make Your 90-Day Fiancée Completely Miserable and Regret the Day She Ever Met You
In the past twelve years I became acquainted with hundreds of couples in the 90-Day Fiancée visa process. To the best of my knowledge, most are still together and happy. There were a few couples, however, who did not survive that first 90 days, usually due to some negligence on the part of the guys, who meant well but clearly were not prepared for the realities of cross-cultural marriage. What follows, is a summary of their mistakes, and admittedly, a few of my own. Guys - if you aspire to have a happy 90-Day Fiancée of your own, read and heed this list! Here are 10 Ways to Make Your 90-Day Fiancé Completely Miserable and probably regret the day she ever met you.
1. FAIL TO BUY HER A ROUND-TRIP TICKET FROM HER COUNTRY TO YOURS AND BACK - WITH THE RETURN TRIP DATE RIGHT AROUND THE END OF HER 90 DAY FIANCEE VISA PERIOD.
Why buy round-trip airfare if you're going to get married and live permanently in America? Of course you don't expect her to return to her country at the end of her 90-Day Fiancée Visa, but to stay on with you happy and in love. It's critical - absolutely crucial - however, to take pressure off of her by letting her (and her family) know that she is in charge of what happens to her (and her child if she has one) the whole time she's here. Obviously, having her go home instead of getting married in the end is not the desired outcome you’re looking for, but if you want her to be comfortable during that first 90-days, you have to provide her with an exit clause, if she ever needs one. Tell her you love her, of course, but - bottom line - if she cannot stay, you will help her return to her family.
2. FAIL TO ALLOW HER TO PERSONALIZE HER LIVING SPACE. Guys - we're cavemen. We don't decorate our caves. We don't need to. Your 90-Day Fiancé, however, will want to personalize her living space in order to feel she is living peacefully in your mutual place, not that she's uncomfortably occupying YOUR living space. Look around the house. What can you live without? Donate your old towels, blankets and dishes to charity. Take her to Sears, Target, Bed, Bath and Beyond, Linens and Things, Kohls, Pier One or some similar store and tell her to buy those things herself. Whether you need the items or not, appoint her with the task of updating your furnishings. This gives her a pleasant distraction from all the change related conflict going through her head.
3. IMPOSE YOUR UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE ON HER OR HER CHILD. One of the easiest mistakes for men to make is to expect your 90-Day Fiancé to handle the typical salty / high fructose corn syrup infused American diet. Something as simple as Domino's Pizza may be a little much for your girl at first, though she'll probably try it eventually. Foreign women will be used to their native diets and, chances are, if we let them buy whatever food they want they'll cook us some tasty and healthy dishes. Find a grocery store with a large produce section. Many cities have international food stores that carry spices and products that we don't find in the more mainstream markets. If you're lucky enough to have a Trader Joe's or Whole Foods nearby - these offer more choices for fish and veggies and - by the way - attract a culturally diverse customer base. It might be interesting for her to hear people talking her language as they shop nearby. Especially if she has a child, let her cook what they are used to eating and don't force micro- waved dinners and canned ravioli on them. If your girl is from Russia or Ukraine, she'll introduce you to borscht. After awhile, you'll be begging for it.
4. FAIL TO BEFRIEND HER CHILD. Children obviously create a life-defining opportunity for men to become fathers and mentors, but they also add to the overall challenges. Children need friends, lots of activities, health and dental insurance, and constant nurturing. One-thing men in the 90-Day Fiancé process will learn - as the child goes, so shall they all go. A struggling child will stress the bride-to-be out to the max.
Understand her child's needs as they relate to school and social behavior. Help the child find playmates. (But be gentle not to overwhelm him /her with too many introductions.) Visit with the child's new school principal to prepare the staff for his/her specific needs as an ESL (English as a Second Language) student. Ask your local library for age-appropriate books in the child’s native language. Show your 90-Day Fiancé right away the good father you plan to be, but don't be too disciplinary right away. Ease the child into a new routine of expectations. Don't try to redefine acceptable versus unacceptable behaviors all at once.
5. FAIL TO HELP HER COMMUNICATE WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. Buy or make her a Russian keyboard and download fonts and software that allow her to send and receive emails in her own language. Foreign television programs can be viewed over the Internet and are often available from cable or satellite dish services. There are many similar "apps" available for tablets, iPads and phones. Order Latin American, Russian or Ukrainian television that comes to your home via a high-speed Internet connection for a small monthly cost. Have it installed before she arrives so she can watch the same stuff here she used to watch at home! Buy phone cards or calling plans that give you great rates for her country, enabling her to call home frequently. Skype, FaceTime and other video conferencing apps will be useful. Look for forums on the Internet for brides from her country. They exist! These can provide tremendous support from women who have already made the transition.
consult her. To do otherwise risks having your prenup not stand up in court if you ever have to exercise it. I suggest you bring the topic up way in advance, do it gently, and offer it as an agreement you both will enter into together. Tell her you recognize the great change she is going to undergo to be your wife and live with you here in America and tell her you want her to feel confident and in control about her life here at all times. I have seen sensible, considerate prenups strengthen a relationship. I've also seen ridiculous "you will never grow your hair more than an inch without my written consent" prenups that only led to the end of the relationship. 99% of guys applying for a 90-Day Fiancée Visa are nice guys who only want to secure their future with a beautiful foreign girl they can't live without. The occasional knucklehead usually ends up alone and does little more than provide campfire stories for the rest of us.