Archive for July, 2008

Tripping On Email

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008

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 I received an unexpected email this week from somewhere in Ukraine from “Al,” a 50-something, recently divorced gentleman from the west coast.  Al wrote to me after buying my book to ask advice on his plan to travel to Ukraine last month with his church group, stay in a youth hostel, attend an A Foreign Affair social and hire an interpreter to help him meet ladies.  Al is a nice guy who was serious about finding a wife in the foreign bride experience, though very skeptical about the women and their motives.  At one point, Al asked me why he received a cynical reproach from a girl he had been writing to on his plan to stay at a youth hostel versus renting an apartment or booking a hotel.  I believe Al was also confused about not being offered a chance to stay with his girl once they met in Ukraine.  I explained to Al, who like many of us was operating on a budget, that trying to meet women in Ukraine for the purpose of love and marriage while staying in a youth hostel to save money was probably an uphill climb.  Still I had hoped he would somehow succeed in his venture.  Just about when I was wondering how he was doing – I got his email:

“Perhaps you remember me.  I have lived now for 5 weeks in Ukraine.   It is nothing  like you said.  I have little knowledge of Russian,  but I have traveled all  over the country.  I have dated at least  ten ladies besides meeting the ones at  the socials.  The men  I met have not found a wife.  The odds are really against  us.  I have learned more by being on my own and hiring and interpreter.   I need  to write a book and up date yours.  It is very difficult  to meet interested  women to marry.  Most women at fatalistic,  live for the moment and think only of  themselves.  One woman  I dated three times had me buy her groceries for her  apartment.   All I got was a kiss.  And she wanted to marry me.  The scams  here  are something.  One agency had men and women writing to  American men deceiving  them in thinking they were writing to a  beautiful woman.  If pravda was told  nobody would come her.   Also the older women do not stay in shape as you  suggested.   The potatoes and bread take their toll.

Have you seen the statistics for successful (Ukrainian)  marriages to American? I now know why. You are , I  believe, a good and helpful  man but you do not understand these people and the Ukrainian  thinking. I  am not mad.  You can believe me or not.  I just  think your book is a  fairy-tale that may have been true 10-12  years ago.”

My heart sank, as it usually does when I receive an email from or talk to a guy who has given up on his search for someone in the foreign bride experience.  Guys give up when they fall in love with the wrong person, get scammed out of money, meet too many “bad women” or invest several years in the search and still come up empty handed.  My heart sinks because I have met hundreds of lovely sincere ladies who want so badly to meet a nice guy – and the number of men who are ultimately willing to get on a plane and go pale in comparison to the overall numbers of women who join the process.  I am also personally aware of hundreds of guys who have met their wives in Ukraine since I started working in this business 8 years ago, a great many of who I personally helped through the search. 

I must admit, there have been a few guys through the years who for whatever reason couldn’t meet one sincere girl, let alone hundreds.  I have struggled, at times, to figure out exactly what went wrong and continued to go wrong for as long as those few guys were in the search.  But I am looking from the outside in.  A closer look might have revealed a few fatal mistakes that could have included:

- Trying to meet only women who were much younger than they were – more than 20 years is often not realistic for most guys in this process.  Some guys only want the fantasy in this thing and if they can’t have a fantasy they have no interest in a very gratifying reality.

- Failing to be aware of the most common foreign-bride scams, i.e., the “I can get a visa to the US but don’t have the money to pay for it so won’t you please send me money?” scam.  It’s not uncommon to meet insincere women in this process just as it is not uncommon for foreign women to meet less than sincere men.  The way to avoid disaster is to recognize the signs and move forward and some guys just fail to do so.  A great deal of my book is dedicated to scams and how to avoid them.

- Having the wrong attitude altogether about women in this experience – some guys get off the plane in another country expecting every girl to be poor, desperate and dumb and are completely lost when the find otherwise.  I HAVE SEEN THIS PERSONALLY MANY, MANY TIMES.  These are the guys who eventually cry out to all who will listen that ALL foreign women are whores.  I remember a tour client in St. Pete years ago who barged into the AFA office screaming those very words.  He had bought a girl dinner and couldn’t believe she wouldn’t  see him for a second date.  I tried to explain that Russian women are a little embarrassed to be seen in public with a man wearing a read leather cowboy hat, but he wouldn’t hear of it.

The truth is, as I have said many times, the foreign bride experience is NOT or everyone.  I wrote a book, the same book Al claims to have read, in which I went to great lengths to present the realities of this highly rewarding, exciting experience.  Had Al listened to the advice I presented in Chapter 2 – a section on qualifying yourself for this experience before you spend your money – he would have possibly decided that traveling to Ukraine with a church group and staying in a youth hostel was hardly the way to convince a woman you were ready to support a wife and family.  Rather than attract the right women, he became a magnet for others.  Al seemed surprised to learn that some agencies based in Ukraine are in fact scams designed to take money from unsuspecting, uninformed men – MUCH LIKE THE AGENCY I WROTE ABOUT IN MY CHAPTER ON SCAMS.  Al bought food for a girl’s apartment and said he was disappointed that he only got a kiss.  Not sure what he was expecting there but he apparently glossed over the story of the “Grocery Lady” I cover in Chapter 8 of “Foreign Bride 101.”   Every woman Al has dated has been selfish, disinterested and “fatalistic.”  That doesn’t sound anything like the hundreds (literally!!) of Ukrainain women I have either met or interviewed over the years. All of the men Al has met have not met their wives.  Not sure how many  “all” is or if he’s referencing his fellow hostel-mates there but obviously Al’s experience completely contradicts that of hundreds of men who find true love with healthy, happy, beautiful women every year in Ukraine.  If you’ve listened to the Live Calls I have done for 6 years with foreign women, 25 of which are currently available to listen to at this web-site, you haven’t heard “desperate, poor and dumb.”   At this point I am wondering if Al’s church group took a serious wrong turn, or changed their plans at the last minute and set up camp in Baghdad.

Just for the record, I have seen no statistics on American Ukrainian relationships because there are very few available and even if there were – I absolutely don’t care.  American -Ukrainian relationships that I am personally aware of that did not work out failed almost exclusively due to some negligence on the part of the guy – not the girl.  Such stats, if they were available, wouldn’t even scratch the surface of the breadth of experiences in the foreign bride search, trust me.  OR READ CHAPTER ONE!  If a near 60% domestic divorce rate isn’t enough to convince any seriously marriage-minded guy he needs to consider all options in finding his life-partner, I recommend he stay home and date American.  And good luck with that.

I wrote a book on how to use a reputable marriage agency to meet the thousands of incredibly lovely, sincere, marriage-minded, family-oriented women from countries like Russia, Ukraine, Colombia, The Philippines, etc.  I did not write a book that shows guys how to travel to Ukraine on a church group mission (something I would otherwise completely support) hoping to convince Ukrainian women you are financially stable enough for a wife and family.

 Recently, while conducting a seminar on international dating in Chicago, a woman from my audience approached to explain she was the fiancee of a former AFA romance tour client and that she had read my book and believed it to be authentic and reliable.  She said it seemed I truly understood foreign women and wrote everything from their perspective.  Galina said she couldn’t wait for me to write my next one.  (I am not making this up.)

That particular audience was also quite smitten by another lovely foreign lady, Olga, who came with her husband to share their experiences and to encourage guys to get involved.  The guys were thoroughly charmed by her beauty, her accent and her genuine enthusiasm.  “What are you waiting for” she said, “this is your life, your future.  Why aren’t you on a plane right now?” 

Galina and Olga, by the way, are Ukrainian.

Al is a nice guy, I believe, but he is one of literally almost a thousand guys I have known in the foreign bride experience. Looking back at all of those guys I have to agree with one thing Al wrote – my book is a fairy-tale – for some!  But certainly not for all, not for most, and not for the guys willing to listen to the advice therein.  Anyone who has purchased “Foreign Bride 101”  knows it is not written to sell romance tours but to reveal the realities of the search to those who will listen, read and heed. Al can write his book, and join the hoards of others who populate the foreign bride forums night after night shouting down anyone with the slightest positive thing to say about foreign women.  He’ll be in good company.

I told Al, and I meant it, that I hoped things somehow turned around for him before he got back.  It shouldn’t be so hard, I suppose for nice guys – even the reality challenged ones, to meet someone.  Then again, one of my goals in writing “Foreign Bride 101” was to thin the herd a little bit and outrightly discourage those bound to fail.  I didn’t waste one word in writing my book, trust me.  I agonized for months over every answer.  I can’t argue Al’s experience, of course, but I am sure a closer look would reveal a few wrong decisions that made all the difference.

Guys, read my book – and more than read – listen, REALLY LISTEN to what is written there for you.  I am more passionate about helping good people find each other than anyone else out there.  I want you to have what I have and thousands of others have.

No fairy-tale here, my friend.

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Why Won’t She Say “She Loves Me?”

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

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     Another great question I was asked to expand upon last Monday night, from one of our great listeners – was read to me from right out of my book “Foreign Bride 101:”

     “My foreign bride and I have spent considerable time together, have become intimate and are applying for the fiancee visa together.  Yet, despite all this, she refuses to say she loves me.  She says it’s too early.  Does this make sense?”

     This question raises an eyebrow from first time readers – and guys who have yet to meet foreign women.  “Is that actually possible?  Does that actually happen – that a foreign girl will go through all the correct motions, the dating, courtship and fiancee visa process and NOT be ready to declare her love to me?”  The answer, again based on hundreds of couples I have helped through this process – is YES – but not often.  Experience has shown that when a foreign woman is hesitant to say she loves her guy but is willing to be intimate, work through the fiancee visa process and eventually relocate to another country – she probably has her eye on something other than the dream of love you have in mind.  That “something”  - would be your wallet.  

     Once again, boys, I am talking about only a handful of guys out of hundreds of others who otherwise encountered no such hesitation on the part of the girl – because they were good guys who met good girls who demonstarted a healthy love and respect for each other.  But in the event you ever meet  a foreign girl who just cannot give her heart completely ( and give these ladies credit for being honest at least,) you could be headed for disaster once your girl arrives in the US if her expectations are not in line with your reality. 

      This kind of hesitation on the part of the lady can be expressed in several ways and certainly before any kind of intimacy occurs.  There was the gentleman who made his way to Odessa to meet a woman he had been writing to for several months.  He had planned to spend three weeks there – to take his girl on a Black Sea vacation – romance was definitely in the air.  He asked me about taking a ring.  I advised him to go modest.  (Modest turned out to be $10K.) So he got on the plane, met the girl and everything was fine until she told him within hours of his arrival that “Oh, by the way – there’s not going to be any sex during your visit.”  CRASH!! 

      I am by no means suggesting one can expect sex during any visit with foreign women or on romance tours etc – again, I am following my basic Christian beliefs here.  But being told upfront that his girl was completely closing herself off to the possibility of falling in love was the complete opposite reaction he was hoping to get when they finally met after weeks of writing.   At one point she doubted he made enough money to support a family.  (His annual income was quite sufficient.) Obviously, once he realized she was not trying to fall in love – at least not with him – he moved on.  Lesson learned:  do not travel to any foreign city to visit only one girl.  Plan on meeting at least a few ladies so if one exhibits squirrly behavior or a hesitance to fall in love with you – you can focus your attention on someone who will be happy to reciprocate.

     Look, most foreign women want to fall in love and give themselves to you completely – and they want the same from you. A few will be more focused on getting some unsuspecting, lonely guy to send them money and will allow enough coursthip to achieve this.  Fewer still, will be hoping for a lavish lifestyle when they come to America and will pursue marriage to a foreign guy – not for citizenship – but for material gain.  This is especially possible when the age difference exceeds 20 years.  Again, and I have said this many times – these women are easy to spot because they will present “red-flags” of warning throughout the early stages of your relationship.  One needs only to recognize red-flags for what they are and act decisively.  

     The real confusion occurs – and for good reason – when the ONLY red-flag behavior is her reluctance to say she has fallen in love AFTER intimacy and commitment have been established.  How terribly frustrating it must feel when you believe you’ve found the once-in-a-lifetime woman you love enough to consider spending your life with, with whom intimacy is powerful and far-reaching, and whom you enjoy and admire and feel such strong attraction to – only to never  hear those three precious and life-defining words from her lips.  I’m telling you right now – if you ever find yourself in that situation – you must have the brevity to move on because something is seriously not right.  Foreign women want to fall in love – want to express their love and they know how to do it.  If you wanted to be left begging for affection and burdened by insecurity you don’t exactly have to leave familiar shores for that – right?

     I tell guys all the the time – in order to really succeed in the foreign bride experience you have to be a sincere nice guy, with good old fashioned family values, and a healthy respect for women.  You have to be a bit of a maverick, a risk-taker, (though the risks are marginal if you take the right steps along the way,) a promise-keeper and a bit of an adventurer.  If you are all of these and part of that elusive 3% of guys who actually get their tails on a plane to go and meet some of these rare and lovely women – you can win the heart of a beautiful, dedicated girl.  If you are all that – then you should go and have the experience you want to have with no letdowns.  God knows the 15 million surplus women in the former FSU alone, and countless others in Latin American and Asian cities would love to meet someone like you and wouldn’t hesitate to say they love you when the time is right.  You should not settle for less than the best love experience of your life.  At any point in the journey if you have to beg for consideration and affection – even well into the fiancee visa period – you have to have the courage to move on.  NO REALLY GOOD GUY SHOULD EVER HAVE TO WAIT TO HEAR “I LOVE YOU” FROM HIS FOREIGN GIRL!  Too many exciting, serious women are waiting for you to find them. 

Posted in Getting Serious About HER | No Comments »

What Do Foreign Women Really Expect From Life In America

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
It’s good to be back!  Been away from my blog for awhile due to some seriuous re-evaluating of just what exactly I am doing here – and after countless conversations I think Victoria and I have really figured out where we want this site to go.  More on that later…
  
Some excellent questions from last night’s weekly phone conference around the foreign bride experience… Thanks to all who participated.   Remember guys – you can join us for our weekly group discussions to answer all your questions about foreign brides by simply dialing in on Monday nights – 404-920-6610 and entering 935905#.  If you haven’t participated yet – YOU SHOULD!  Great group of guys and lots of good questions.  Remember also we talk live with foreign women every weekend and you can dial in the same way – write me for specific times and which ladies we’ll be talking to – bud@foreignbride101.com.
My favorite question of the night was “When foreign women come here to live with their new husbands – what do they really expect from life in America?”
My answer comes from years of experience with countless couples who have contacted Victoria and I during that very unpredictable period when the girl had just arrived here in America and was adjusting to her new life – and new family.  What most foreign women want out of life in America is really very simple.  Foreign women want:
1. To be truly loved and respected by their man.  That means all the love, respect, consideration, focus, monogamy and attention doesn’t change once she arrives.  We joke in America about how womens attitudes toward intimacy change after marriage – foreign women do not want us to be any less romantic and loving after they arrive, nor do they want our attitudes to become selfish and neglectful.  One lady called Victoria to say her fiancee’s new favorite expression in response to her requests for basic things was “You can’t just have everything you want – you’re not in Russia anymore.”  We suggested she hit him upside the head with a frying pan. Cast iron…
Guys often make the mistake of assuming once the girl arrives the hard part is over and it’s “all about me time.” I’ve mentioned here already how wrong that is.  Certainly your girl came here to love and be loved – and you will get your share of her attention and emotional surrender once she has had time to adjust – but it’s very important to be as loving,  understanding and compromising as possible in those first few months while she transitions to her new life here.  Guys often completely underestimate how difficult daily tasks are for foreign ladies trying to create their new lives here.  You have to be the same encouraging, supporting and tirelessly patient man she knew in courtship.  Again guys – the rewards will be endless.
2. To live on a level no less than they lived in their homeland.  Here is another mistake we men sometimes make – assuming that having love alone is enough to make a foreign girl happy.  NOW – DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT!  I’m not saying that a foreign lady’s decision to come here is as much about material gain as it is about love.  I’ve seen nothing to indicate that is true in most cases I am familiar with, despite all you may read to the contrary.  Guys who don’t happen to have Bill Gates money or who live modestly can definitely win the heart of a lovely foreign lady who will come here to live with them for all the right reasons BUT – keep in mind that the biggest misperception we have about women in this process is they are poor and destitute and living on any level in America is a step up from where they are.  Not true, my friend.
Most foreign women work, earn money, save a little, and can buy basic things as they need them.  They will pay all their monthly bills, go to a cafe or a museum on the weekends and take an occasional vacation with their family and friends.  When these same women come to America with no status until forms are filed and fees are paid (by you the fiancee petitioner,) they don’t have the legal ability to do much of anything.  They can’t work right away, or drive a car, open a bank account etc.  I will tell you right now – this frustrates the heck out of most foreign women.  I think alot of guys develop some kind of paranoia about being duped in a visa scam once their girl begins to inquire almost daily – “When will we send our documents in?  When can I get a work permit?  How can I get a car?”  And because we, in all our lunkheadedness, fail to see how we have compromised our foreign lady’s world we get angry and defensive when our girl wants things that are typical and available in her previous life. Foreign women will want to work, drive, open a bank account, have a credit card, (even small guaranteed one is fine,) buy basic things when they need them, take advantage of a sale or two at Target or Kohls.  Guys – be honest with yourselves – if you live paycheck to paycheck (been there done that so I know what I’m talking about,) and will not be able to afford to move your lady along through the adjustment of status phase or allow her access to money she can spend on miscellaneous things as she sees fit until she can earn her own – you’re asking for a world of misunderstanding and hurt.  Be flexible and be prepared.  DO NOT assume that just because your girl is from another culture she’ll have no needs or wishes or goals.
Some of our favorite couples include women who came here  to marry a guy who had lost his job or was self-employed but weathering a rough period. The women typically stand by their guy and wait for better times but you have to have a plan that is realistic and doable.  One gentleman, a trucker by trade,  asked me recently if a foreign girl woud mind living out of a semi for awhile, seeing the country until they get their feet under them financially.  My answer was simple – “If the girl is doing that in her country now, then no problem.  If not – then better have a place for her to call home.”  In other words – look at your fiancees life in her country – that is your bottom line.  This is where you must begin.  I promise you most foreign women do not expect the moon, but do want the basic security and status they had in their world before you met.  Understanding this is key to winning her heart.