It’s good to be back! Been away from my blog for awhile due to some seriuous re-evaluating of just what exactly I am doing here – and after countless conversations I think Victoria and I have really figured out where we want this site to go. More on that later…
Some excellent questions from last night’s weekly phone conference around the foreign bride experience… Thanks to all who participated. Remember guys – you can join us for our weekly group discussions to answer all your questions about foreign brides by simply dialing in on Monday nights – 404-920-6610 and entering 935905#. If you haven’t participated yet – YOU SHOULD! Great group of guys and lots of good questions. Remember also we talk live with foreign women every weekend and you can dial in the same way – write me for specific times and which ladies we’ll be talking to – bud@foreignbride101.com.
My favorite question of the night was “When foreign women come here to live with their new husbands – what do they really expect from life in America?”
My answer comes from years of experience with countless couples who have contacted Victoria and I during that very unpredictable period when the girl had just arrived here in America and was adjusting to her new life – and new family. What most foreign women want out of life in America is really very simple. Foreign women want:
1. To be truly loved and respected by their man. That means all the love, respect, consideration, focus, monogamy and attention doesn’t change once she arrives. We joke in America about how womens attitudes toward intimacy change after marriage – foreign women do not want us to be any less romantic and loving after they arrive, nor do they want our attitudes to become selfish and neglectful. One lady called Victoria to say her fiancee’s new favorite expression in response to her requests for basic things was “You can’t just have everything you want – you’re not in Russia anymore.” We suggested she hit him upside the head with a frying pan. Cast iron…
Guys often make the mistake of assuming once the girl arrives the hard part is over and it’s “all about me time.” I’ve mentioned here already how wrong that is. Certainly your girl came here to love and be loved – and you will get your share of her attention and emotional surrender once she has had time to adjust – but it’s very important to be as loving, understanding and compromising as possible in those first few months while she transitions to her new life here. Guys often completely underestimate how difficult daily tasks are for foreign ladies trying to create their new lives here. You have to be the same encouraging, supporting and tirelessly patient man she knew in courtship. Again guys – the rewards will be endless.
2. To live on a level no less than they lived in their homeland. Here is another mistake we men sometimes make – assuming that having love alone is enough to make a foreign girl happy. NOW – DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT! I’m not saying that a foreign lady’s decision to come here is as much about material gain as it is about love. I’ve seen nothing to indicate that is true in most cases I am familiar with, despite all you may read to the contrary. Guys who don’t happen to have Bill Gates money or who live modestly can definitely win the heart of a lovely foreign lady who will come here to live with them for all the right reasons BUT – keep in mind that the biggest misperception we have about women in this process is they are poor and destitute and living on any level in America is a step up from where they are. Not true, my friend.
Most foreign women work, earn money, save a little, and can buy basic things as they need them. They will pay all their monthly bills, go to a cafe or a museum on the weekends and take an occasional vacation with their family and friends. When these same women come to America with no status until forms are filed and fees are paid (by you the fiancee petitioner,) they don’t have the legal ability to do much of anything. They can’t work right away, or drive a car, open a bank account etc. I will tell you right now – this frustrates the heck out of most foreign women. I think alot of guys develop some kind of paranoia about being duped in a visa scam once their girl begins to inquire almost daily – “When will we send our documents in? When can I get a work permit? How can I get a car?” And because we, in all our lunkheadedness, fail to see how we have compromised our foreign lady’s world we get angry and defensive when our girl wants things that are typical and available in her previous life. Foreign women will want to work, drive, open a bank account, have a credit card, (even small guaranteed one is fine,) buy basic things when they need them, take advantage of a sale or two at Target or Kohls. Guys – be honest with yourselves – if you live paycheck to paycheck (been there done that so I know what I’m talking about,) and will not be able to afford to move your lady along through the adjustment of status phase or allow her access to money she can spend on miscellaneous things as she sees fit until she can earn her own – you’re asking for a world of misunderstanding and hurt. Be flexible and be prepared. DO NOT assume that just because your girl is from another culture she’ll have no needs or wishes or goals.
Some of our favorite couples include women who came here to marry a guy who had lost his job or was self-employed but weathering a rough period. The women typically stand by their guy and wait for better times but you have to have a plan that is realistic and doable. One gentleman, a trucker by trade, asked me recently if a foreign girl woud mind living out of a semi for awhile, seeing the country until they get their feet under them financially. My answer was simple – “If the girl is doing that in her country now, then no problem. If not – then better have a place for her to call home.” In other words – look at your fiancees life in her country – that is your bottom line. This is where you must begin. I promise you most foreign women do not expect the moon, but do want the basic security and status they had in their world before you met. Understanding this is key to winning her heart.
